THE ECLIPSE OF MYSELF

It is so easy to let oneself get 'off track' and be swept up in the moment, when we should be focused on goals we have set for ourselves years ago. I do this over and over again, repeatedly letting myself be led away from my own dreams and ideas. Modern American life seems to make this even more easily the way things fall.

For the past few months I have been floundering, and torn between my emotional life and my intellectual ideas that beckon me to Transform the way I live. My ability to separate the two is nil, and I vacillate between my emotional/relational life and the life that tells me to Disconnect from the madness. I totally have begun to understand the ascetic way of life, forsaking contact with humans, to allow the simplistic, non-attached way of life to unfold.

I guess I think there can be another way, thus I fight with myself and my own beliefs and wrestle with my living in a world that I totally disagree with as a model of how I should exist. Many of you will remember my rants on Unplugging and Disconnecting from the System. I have to admit, I haven't done to well, but my insides still crave to separate from the Beast that rules our world at the moment.
What is the problem? Connections to people is #1. I have people I love in my life, and becoming a hermit is just that: BECOMING A HERMIT, meaning doing it alone.
Why is this an issue at all?
There has to be a better way I keep telling myself. Many will remember my chronicles of the difficulties I had keeping my home. It was difficult, but I have done it against all the odds. My issue is that, maybe I went over my own head in the very beginning with adjusting my life with my past partners to compromise my 'dreams' for what society told us was the "AMERICAN DREAM"
A house, in nice suburbs on a nice 1/2 acre lot, two dogs and two cats, (Gay DINKS, No Kids) jobs that weren't horrible. What is wrong with me to make me complain?
The Rat Race as it is sometimes called is a big hurdle for me to jump. I am too much of an anarchist rebel to blithely succumb to the utter senselessness of how modern man makes his livelihood. Maybe I just Rebel against the Protestant Work Ethic because of what it has done to me personally. I have always had the "P.W.E" and when I had the high paying job that I gave my total loyalty to and was kicked to the curb, maybe that did me in. Knowing that, given the current system and what I 'do' for a living, I submit to the fact that I would have to work the rest of my life. I have no savings, no 401K, no stocks, and no real retirement financial plan.
What am I to do? Well, I have said it before, and Now I am saying it again, with more determination to follow through with my ideas of INTENTIONAL LIVING, FRUGAL and SIMPLICITY being my vanguard words of power.

Over the past two months a couple of changes have taken place. First, Adrian and I are still seeing each other, and it has been a very different type of relationship given my past and how I still feel wounded by what happened with Micheal. I have voiced some of the things I want in my life, (i.e. "Cabin in the woods") to let him know that I don't intend on remaining a Suburbanite who continues with a 9 to 5 job struggling to maintain a head above the rising waters. It is difficult to put this into perspective, he is Mexican and came to America to better his life, and wants the "American Dream", and I on the other hand, am a disillusioned American wishing to disconnect from the system that I see as inherently flawed, and possibly a less than benign system that destroys more than it produces. I want to rid myself of the trappings that he wants to acquire, such is my personal war within myself.
Ricky, my old roommate from when I first bought this house has returned and we have discussed much of what I am writing about, knowing that we are again helping each other out, trying to TRANSFORM OURSELVES AGAIN. Rick has been there during many of my most intimate transformations, so I don't find it unusual that he has returned at this point of my life. We are born on the same day (Blessing of 22 post) and have a knack of mirroring each other in ways that push us to our limits and lets us pull ourselves out of emotional vomit into a cleaner space. But given we are so alike, we are so different too and can still butt heads, but usually without viciousness or hurtful ways of being. Strangely, Rick has arrived at much the same place as I ,, in a round about way, and we both strive for simplicity, just in different modes.
He came home without a job, and we moved him in on Our birthday in July, he knew that he could come and not be berated or beat up about being a 'failure', and I knew it wouldn't take long for him to find a new job,, (He starts tomorrow)
So, the House is Full of Gay Men Again, it has been a long while since it was totally gay, and it feels good. I feel that somehow it is going to happen now, the TRANSFORMATION I have been anticipating so long, and that it is going to be good.

SO, we are collectively searching for ways of being that will allow for our DISCONNECTION from the HIVE, while at the same time, allow us to remain in the world as caring social humans.
Our first move is to become,,, MORE FRUGAL, MORE SIMPLE, and SELF SUFFICIENT.
Themes I have ranted on repeatedly. Rick, asked the other day, "why are you not in the woods yet"

I DIDN'T HAVE AN ANSWER.

Still Transforming,
Hope everyone is well,
Scott

PS: THE PICTURE IS ONE OF ADRIANS PAINTINGS CALLED : "THE ECLIPSE"
I am trying to get him more involved with his artistic side,, and have them up on my new website: EARTHCITIZEN23.COM
TAKE A LOOK!
The Website is brand new and not complete so give me some constructive advice and comments on it.