After the Thrill is Gone -to- I'm Movin On

Winter always brings me to a place of introversion and reflection, and at this moment I am both sad and happy. I am happy for all the great things that life has brought to me in these past 44 years. For the most part I am happy with myself, and who I am for I feel that finally I have become an authentic person who meets the world head on with my worldview. I feel that for the most part I walk my talk and live as I might sometimes preach to others. There is always room for improvement, and I still have alot to work upon with myself. I have battled my shadows, and learned also not to fight them but TRANSFORM them into aspects of myself that are useful and helpful. Shadows are a funny thing, and being that they are hidden, and we are unconscious of them, bringing them to light is a process that can be both painful and wonderful at the same time. One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that we all LIE to an extent, to ourselves and others because we tend to wear "Masks" that we present to the world as if the masks are who we truly are, but I know the truth. And I have torn away the masks and dedicated myself to living an AUTHENTIC life only showing my true self at all times. This is difficult because we sometimes do not wish to allow others to know how we really feel, think and want to be outwardly. Keeping the masks off is a task in itself, for they want to grow back and return. It is much easier to wear a Mask at times instead of being Authentically who we really should be to everyone. Yet I continue to take them off as soon as I recognize that another mask has fitted itself to my face, this is a difficult task but I intend to work towards AUTHENTIC LIVING.
I am sad for many reasons, maybe the biggest being that like the first song I added to my blog playlist, The Thrill is Gone. My passion seems to have dissipated and I have lost somehow much of the zest of life I used to have within me. Much of it is because of the demands that modern life puts on us all, I admit that I am not really cut out to live in a world the way it is presently. Being that I am not an ambitious whore to money, I have very little, just enough to get by,,,,, barely, and that is wearing me thin. I feel that I work to support a system I really do not believe in or care about much. As many of you know, I have fought hard over the past few years to keep my home, and the weight of this task has gotten to me in the most profound way. It seems to center around the fact that in reality I am a very social person who needs people in my life to care for and for me this is the big one being the Hermit I am sometimes, but I need someone to live with, I miss that alot. The roommates made me realize that I needed something different, and I dream about creating an Intentional Community where people really care and take care of each other. That dream is hard pressed to come to reality, but I still have hope.
After Giovanni returned to Italy I can now admit that my heart was broken in a most horrible way, and now I stand alone with pieces that I want to heal and glue back together, but they all do not fit anymore. I have learned that I can Love very deeply, maybe too deeply in some peoples opinion, but none the less I know I can dig deep from the wellspring of my heart and LOVE WHOLELY. Now, that the thrill of it all is gone, I feel empty and totally voided of any chance to let my love flow. I now express it to my friends as much as possible, to the animals I come into contact with, and strangers on the street. I know that I must not hold back, but sometimes still do, and that is from my desire to have a lover who loves me back as much as I know I can love them. After a number of failed attempts at dating, I have quit even putting myself out there, now I have finally done the Buddhist thing and have NO EXPECTATIONS regarding finding someone to share my life with anymore. Now I realize that I must cultivate my love to be all encompassing and not reserve it for some dream man who may never make it to the stage of this play called My Life. This actually brings me to tears because I feel that every man I have loved rejected and trampled on the love I so freely gave to them. I have learned that I must still be able to love without this fear of rejection and cruelty, but something is missing now. The Thrill is gone.
But if you take the time to listen to all the songs I have put up here, it will go full course. The words to each song means alot to me, and the last song is I am MOVING ON.
The words to this song is my theme song now, and I listen to it EVERY DAY.
When I first heard it I thought that Rascal Flats had been reading my poetry,, here are the words that mean so much to me at this point in my life, if you have time listen to it,,, after all the Josh Groban.... (the picture today is from my favorite spot on my sacred mountain Kings' Pinnicle not far from my house, it is my window on the world)

Rascal Flatts - I'm Moving On Lyrics

I've dealt with my ghosts
and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength
in your moments of weakness

For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame,
trapped in the past for too long

I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place
and I know all the faces
Each one is different
but they're always the same

They mean me no harm
but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home
would end up where I don't belong

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

At last I can see life
has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees,
but I'm not alone

There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see
are the years passing by

And I have made up my mind
that those days are gone

I sold what I could
and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up
on my way out of town

I've loved like I should
but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out

Maybe forgiveness will find me
somewhere down this road

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on