A Rattle in the Wind

Winter is coming,, you wouldn't be able to tell with the temps here lately, upper 60's and some low 70's too. That all will be changing towards the end of the week with a wintery blast coming in on Friday. I spent some of the weekend working in the yard, I have plenty of fallen trees to break up and use for either a bonfire or in the fireplace. There is alot of yard work that I have neglected to do this summer, and in the fall and winter I strangely enough always get the urge to do MORE work in the yard. The weeds come up easier anyway, and I always plan big for the coming new year spring.
The Other week I ran into one of the loves of my life, one of my first boyfriends, Jimmy S.
Times change so much, but we both loved each other alot, and it was nice to hug him again. But, as the saying goes, you can't go home,, and old loves are just that, old loves. He said he would call, I know he won't, and really don't want him to, because I have changed too.

Yesterday my Blue Beta Fish, John Dee, died. I know alot of you will think big deal, just a fish and they are a dime a dozen, but John Dee was something else symbolically if nothing else. I bought him home the day after Giovanni went back to Italy and named him after Queen Elizabeths court astrologer whom started Enochian Magick so to speak. I felt like it was my fault for not changing his water soon enough, but know that he had lasted longer before, so maybe it was old age. Had it really been that long, and I realized it had been. Giovanni has been gone a long time, it is my heart that thought it only yesterday.
I went out and sang Kareoke last night,, lots of sad songs,,,, sometimes singing depressing songs lifts my spirits,,, I know..I am full of contradictions,,,... so, I had my own pity party on the way home.... alone again(which is not always a bad thing when leaving a gay bar late at night)
For some reason the drive seemed like it took so much longer than normal. I must have relived my past few years at least five or six times, from the days of hardship with the ex S.N. whom I bought this house with, to our breakup, meeting Giovanni in Rome, being happier than I ever thought I could be in this life, then the end of our time together. Giovanni left after 3 years of trying the cross cultural/cross oceans relationship to return to his life in Italy. I held tightly onto a Dream, this house, and a love that no longer existed, then yesterday John Dee died.
With John Dee's passing, I must confess a deeper death that has occured within my own soul.
The death of my broken heart. Not sure that means it is totally healed, but something happened last night in that so odd drive home.
I admit that that drive last night was the longest drive of my life, and only encompassed about 10 miles. As I moved in space inside the confines of my car, my mind traveled through thousands of years. Imagined or not, the memories I have of previous incarnations melted within the memories of this life, and the pain was too intense and the only relief I could find was with tears that seemed to flow endlessly and for what seemed like buckets full. My loneliness seemed to have reached a pivotal point of climax, and after my drive home cry, seemed insignificant. I got home and watched the stars for a long while before going inside the house. My true loves all greeted me, Titan, Mystical , Pud and Monkey Kat. True unconditional love waiting on ME!!
The house seemed different somehow, I am not sure how, but it was definitely different. As I walked up the stairs and went into my room, the empty space that once held John Dee's Big fishbowl loomed large. The room sorta 'swam' and I realized John Dee and what he represented had been RELEASED//TRANSFORMED// TRANSFIGURED into something else, ,,, and sometimes ENDINGS have to be Ended.
So: FINI
THE END
I might be lonely, but I damn sure know that I am not alone. Thanks to all my Blogging Friends for listening to my rambling. It means more than you would ever know, your words come to me just when I need them most. Thanks a million.