Damn the Fact I am Gay, I LOVE WOMEN!!

Painting is "Two Women with Mangoes" by Paul Gauguin

This Might Be Long, so get something to drink, smoke if you have 'em and sit back and DO NOT HIT THAT NEXT BLOG BUTTON!!
Yes, I know I am gay, but I just LOVE women, they make me grasp at the last string holding me up and hang on. They are just beautiful to behold and be with and my only beef is that I am not attracted to them sexually. So be it, and all the psychobabble about my mother and why she turned me gay,,, blah blah blah. Don't buy it, I am afraid you will just have to accept me as I was made,,, Homosexual.
My closest friends for the most part have always been women. I didn't have a male gay friend until I was almost thirty. Older women will intellects have the biggest appeal and having grown up in a 'dumb broad' household per my mothers husband I have never understood men who belittle or hurt women at all,,, except that I think most might have questions about their own masculine nature,,,, closet cases in other words. Men who want to be with men, but beat up on women,,, next on Oprah!!
The reason some women bother me is this, I hate to see a woman who thinks that she is incomplete, an unfinished product, unless she has a man. I know, they are fun for a role in the hay, but men ain't all that,, and I should know being one who likes them too. I fought this same battle myself my whole life as I have always been LONG TERM relationship oriented and desired many of the same things that 'straight' women do, a nice man to spend your life with and grow old in a rocking chair beside of, combing each others gray hairs. Sadly for gay men, it is ten times harder because most gay men think that the youthful gays they were/are will last forever and you know men,, got to spread that seed to as many as possible. But women/and gay men, who feel less than complete without a man, that is one I have been grappling with of late.
I am 43, so that youthful vigor is waning and I have no plans on raising any more men. Would love to have someone to complement me and my life but am coming to terms with the fact that that just may not happen. so, I must learn/and have been/ to LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH TO BE OK ALONE. I am closer than I was last year, after Giovanni left, but still fall short as I am too social to be the hermit that I scream I want to be. Paradox, I want to be a hermit and get away from humanity, but don't care to do it alone,, so failed that one.
My best friend when I was growing up was Amy Miller, we played Narnia as kids together and I wish I knew where she was today, would love to tell her what she meant/means to me.
Next Mary, who was eight years older and we became good friends and have shared many spiritual experiences together throughout the years. She was an artist, beautiful , and strong willed, so so very intellegent and able to have LONG conversations on God, life, just anything. She did the manthing, at 40+ had her first child by a no good bum, who ditched her and the kid and all for the want of a man in her life. Be careful what you ask for, you may get it. I am deeply disturbed by what happened to Mary, as she ditched her Art, freedom, life for a worthless man, and I believe (this may not be true, but) that she got pregnant trying to hold on to him,,, yucky yuck!!! In homo land we call women like this FISH. (I know, horrible moniker, but gays can be cruel too) Will do anything to land a man, hold him, then control him.
So many women have added to my life, I want to name a few, even though you might not know them. Of course all my teachers in school,, won't name individually,, except Mrs Gault, and Beverly Byrd who gave so much to my life, Beverly and I became good friends when I was in the seventh grade, I was even in her wedding,, now that was one cool teacher. Bev gave me my desire to travel,,, especially to Greece, and years later when I went to Greece the first time, I looked her up and called to tell her the trip she inspired was taking place. Miss Ware, who just passed away last week, was my typing teacher,, tough woman, and I loved her, thank you Miss Ware.
Denise D. or 'Nice as we called her was another woman pushed off the deep end by a longing to be completed by a man. Really loved her, still do.
We used to get quarter pound bags of pot and role them up for her boss who didn't want to bother,, we could smoke all we wanted as long as we were rolling those joints,,, which took an inordinant amount of time.. he he!!
her best Friend Linda was one Hot woman, and being teenagers, my best friend became her secret lover which only made me jealous because I wanted him, but I loved them both and watched as they tried for over two years to do the impossible. She was so smart and intellegent,, wish I knew where she was today also,, I think she owes me a drink!!
When I was in school I had a gaggle of girlfriends,, not like a straight guy of course, even though I was not 'out' until graduation. Once I had a boyfriend and a REAL girlfriend at the same time. Wanda W. and I planned on getting married after high school. I really did love her/ still do. But after we lived together and I came to terms with myself, I came out as a Homo. She didn't believe me,, (was I that good in bed??) and feigned a pregancy to hold on to me, I called her on that and introduced her to the man who would become my partner for the next 9 years of my life Joe W. She still didn't believe I was gay. That was difficult. I know she has a child now, I think by a man they called Spider. So, Wanda, with a beautiful singing voice that could melt butter, I still do love you, I swear I always will.
Next woman who came into my life was Chris who got me the first veterinary job I had, in a kennel picking up da shit. She dated a police man with one testicle (she told me, I never saw) who was all man/ you know he man type, but allowed her to hang with the queer, cause he thought I never had seen a woman naked. Little did he know I saw Chris naked a few times,,, I mean we were 'girlfriends'. She married a nice man and moved to California and I would love to talk to her,, Miss her alot,, I lost her last address/phone number and I hate it!!!! LOVE YOU BABY!!!!
She was one tough girl,, I think that Rachael(one of my new girl friends on the net) is alot like her and why I seem to hit it off with her, ,, Rachael, I know you will read this, so, here goes......
We only know each other through our blogs,, she really inspired me to do my own and I have to say thanks because I am writing more than ever now and that was something I had been on my own case about forever. She is Beautiful, smart, and tough as nails, I plan on taking her and her hubby Jake out oneday for a steak,,,, even if I am a vegetarian!!! i go and I read what Rachael writes and I see a girl who had to make her own way, and she evidently has done a fabulous job of it. I see the pain that she has suffered and I want to hug her because she is so damn eloquent in her off the cuff manner that it floors me each time I read a post she has written. She turned me on to Barbara, who I immediately fell for, because again I am presented with a strong, intellegent woman who can think on her own and doesn't need any help what so ever with her own thoughts! LOVE THESE NEW WOMEN IN MY LIFE ,,, even if it is just on a blog.
God, there are so many woman who have helped shape who I am today, not the least, my Mother and sister Anita,, (Cherie the other sister,,, not sure) My mother taught me manners, cleanlyness and how to be polite, even when you don't want to be, among so many other things. Thank Gods that I inhereited her inability to be prejudiced, so race, color, religion etc have no effect on how I treat people... Now People themselves, they do affect how I treat them,,, assholes beware. My love of animals was allowed by my mother who once had to watch as I brought a whole litter of kittens and mama home from down in the woods were they were living. I don't know how many animals she allowed me to adopt, but if one was orphaned I got it. She taught me faith, and bless her heart, she had one daughter(Cherie, the oldest) who became an alcholic foul mouthed Fundy of the Christian vien, another Anita,who actually got schooling from the Roman Cathoic nuns, converted to Islam after marrying a man from Kuwait, lived in the Middle East for over 10 years only to escape like that movie,, "Not without my daughter" during the 1st Kuwait/Iraq war. And me, Scott the gay, 'only son' who ditched being a Christian for more Pagan ways. My mother has come along way baby,, like so many woman I know and love.
God bless the feminine half of this human race!!!!