THE ECLIPSE OF MYSELF

It is so easy to let oneself get 'off track' and be swept up in the moment, when we should be focused on goals we have set for ourselves years ago. I do this over and over again, repeatedly letting myself be led away from my own dreams and ideas. Modern American life seems to make this even more easily the way things fall.

For the past few months I have been floundering, and torn between my emotional life and my intellectual ideas that beckon me to Transform the way I live. My ability to separate the two is nil, and I vacillate between my emotional/relational life and the life that tells me to Disconnect from the madness. I totally have begun to understand the ascetic way of life, forsaking contact with humans, to allow the simplistic, non-attached way of life to unfold.

I guess I think there can be another way, thus I fight with myself and my own beliefs and wrestle with my living in a world that I totally disagree with as a model of how I should exist. Many of you will remember my rants on Unplugging and Disconnecting from the System. I have to admit, I haven't done to well, but my insides still crave to separate from the Beast that rules our world at the moment.
What is the problem? Connections to people is #1. I have people I love in my life, and becoming a hermit is just that: BECOMING A HERMIT, meaning doing it alone.
Why is this an issue at all?
There has to be a better way I keep telling myself. Many will remember my chronicles of the difficulties I had keeping my home. It was difficult, but I have done it against all the odds. My issue is that, maybe I went over my own head in the very beginning with adjusting my life with my past partners to compromise my 'dreams' for what society told us was the "AMERICAN DREAM"
A house, in nice suburbs on a nice 1/2 acre lot, two dogs and two cats, (Gay DINKS, No Kids) jobs that weren't horrible. What is wrong with me to make me complain?
The Rat Race as it is sometimes called is a big hurdle for me to jump. I am too much of an anarchist rebel to blithely succumb to the utter senselessness of how modern man makes his livelihood. Maybe I just Rebel against the Protestant Work Ethic because of what it has done to me personally. I have always had the "P.W.E" and when I had the high paying job that I gave my total loyalty to and was kicked to the curb, maybe that did me in. Knowing that, given the current system and what I 'do' for a living, I submit to the fact that I would have to work the rest of my life. I have no savings, no 401K, no stocks, and no real retirement financial plan.
What am I to do? Well, I have said it before, and Now I am saying it again, with more determination to follow through with my ideas of INTENTIONAL LIVING, FRUGAL and SIMPLICITY being my vanguard words of power.

Over the past two months a couple of changes have taken place. First, Adrian and I are still seeing each other, and it has been a very different type of relationship given my past and how I still feel wounded by what happened with Micheal. I have voiced some of the things I want in my life, (i.e. "Cabin in the woods") to let him know that I don't intend on remaining a Suburbanite who continues with a 9 to 5 job struggling to maintain a head above the rising waters. It is difficult to put this into perspective, he is Mexican and came to America to better his life, and wants the "American Dream", and I on the other hand, am a disillusioned American wishing to disconnect from the system that I see as inherently flawed, and possibly a less than benign system that destroys more than it produces. I want to rid myself of the trappings that he wants to acquire, such is my personal war within myself.
Ricky, my old roommate from when I first bought this house has returned and we have discussed much of what I am writing about, knowing that we are again helping each other out, trying to TRANSFORM OURSELVES AGAIN. Rick has been there during many of my most intimate transformations, so I don't find it unusual that he has returned at this point of my life. We are born on the same day (Blessing of 22 post) and have a knack of mirroring each other in ways that push us to our limits and lets us pull ourselves out of emotional vomit into a cleaner space. But given we are so alike, we are so different too and can still butt heads, but usually without viciousness or hurtful ways of being. Strangely, Rick has arrived at much the same place as I ,, in a round about way, and we both strive for simplicity, just in different modes.
He came home without a job, and we moved him in on Our birthday in July, he knew that he could come and not be berated or beat up about being a 'failure', and I knew it wouldn't take long for him to find a new job,, (He starts tomorrow)
So, the House is Full of Gay Men Again, it has been a long while since it was totally gay, and it feels good. I feel that somehow it is going to happen now, the TRANSFORMATION I have been anticipating so long, and that it is going to be good.

SO, we are collectively searching for ways of being that will allow for our DISCONNECTION from the HIVE, while at the same time, allow us to remain in the world as caring social humans.
Our first move is to become,,, MORE FRUGAL, MORE SIMPLE, and SELF SUFFICIENT.
Themes I have ranted on repeatedly. Rick, asked the other day, "why are you not in the woods yet"

I DIDN'T HAVE AN ANSWER.

Still Transforming,
Hope everyone is well,
Scott

PS: THE PICTURE IS ONE OF ADRIANS PAINTINGS CALLED : "THE ECLIPSE"
I am trying to get him more involved with his artistic side,, and have them up on my new website: EARTHCITIZEN23.COM
TAKE A LOOK!
The Website is brand new and not complete so give me some constructive advice and comments on it.

WORKING ON A DREAM

This weekend I spent my time working around the house and yard, being my own Commune of One. I actually got a good many things done that I have been putting off for lack of energy for the most part. I started out clearing out the area around the Sacred Circle which had been sorely neglected most of the summer. I had pretty much let it grow up and the trees that had died now have for the most part been topped and the limbs are fodder for Bonfires this winter. It was a lot of work, and being in a very meditative mood, I communed with the Deva's whom are tucking themselves in for the winter. My Sage, and Rosemary bushes needed pruning and I now have a very large store of these herbs. The Circle picture to the Right was taken tonight and has one of my sage bushes in the front and a rosemary at the back of the pic. I still have alot of work to do to get it where I want it to be, but at least it is semi-cleaned now.
I had alot of debris around, with the trees and all the summer weeds piled up, so I made numberous trips to the side of the yard carrying what I didn't put into the New Compost pile. I finally took the 'goodie' out of the compost pile and yep,,, I can at least say, I can grow Dirt. Growing dirt sounds oxymoronic but is really an important step toward self sufficent living. I take all the organic kitchen scraps, leaves, grass clippings and such and put it in my GreenCompostBin,, and Viola' DIRT. So, I have participated in the process from the very ground so to speak and today I made my Newest Garden Bed with my New Dirt,, I was very proud to say the least.. Such simple things please and make me happy now. So, here are pics of my newest garden spot with fresh composted dirt ready for planting a winter garden. I am thinking of trying my hand at making a Cold Frame around this so that I can grow throughout the winter,, at least cold weather crops. Experimental project #3432. Mustard Greens are already sprouted and up, so soon enough I will have fresh greens from one of my square foot gardens that I am experimenting with this winter. Square foot gardening may be the way to go here in the suburbs, more food on less land,, got to love that idea. I am trying to figure out the best ways to utilize this small 1/2 acre of land and experimenting will be part of the process.
The FirePit will benefit with all of the extra wood and limbs from the dead trees. I have plenty of wood for Bonfires and fixed the firepit area up and can't wait to have another one,,,, had a small one once already,, but with all the wood I am planning on a big one come Winter Solstice.. Also with some of the limbs and wood, I am going to make a WickerMan to burn also, which might be rather fun, and I could use some fun,, so I am planning on my Winter Solstice Ritual being a Big Event,,, even if it is just a party of One. Well anyway I will be comfortable sitting around the fire this winter.
So, I finished the day out with a roast stew that I had cooking all day in the crockpot and felt that I had at least caught up on some of the many things that I need to do around the 'commune'. I had sat out in the backyard surveying my domain this afternoon and was thinking of my dream of an Intentional community that would start here. It seems totally logical to me, but to many seems to be a pipedream. There is much to do, and finding a core group that would help me build upon this idea looks to be daunting to say the least. I envision many things here, Organic gardens, more flowerbeds, more fruit trees and berry bushes, some solar experiments, such as hot water, maybe lighting for the yard,, and the big dream of going totally Off Grid someday,, right here in the city. All I need are a few people willing to envision something bigger than themselves, a Stepping Stone in the Suburbs to a more rural/remote area someday that can house even more people who wish to live a more simple and Intentional life. That's not asking for to much is it? Meanwhile I will enjoy my Sacred Circle and plant bulbs for next year, and grow more dirt for the gardens. Hope you all have a great day.
FULL MOON ADDITIONAL NOTE:
Having cleared the mess from around the circle, tonight being full moon had to make use of it. So here is the view from the center of the circle tonight looking up: