Funeral for My Expectations

Wow, in one month the blog will have been here for two years, 2 years in which I have struggled to live in the present when haunted by my past and anxious of the future. It has been at times draining and at other times very fulfilling to my Inner Transforming Self, who is working on Self Actualization. To focus on the Journey not the Destination is the Key to the Quest of Enlightenment. The Ever Present NOW being the Holy Grail we continually overlook.
My Addiction lay grounded in my personal Expectations of People, day to day existence, myself and the other myriad of expectations within me. Little was I to realize that people here on the blog would become intertwined in my growth as a human being. The Universe of CyberReality gifted me with Teachers and Guides who in the course of their own blogs would point out the next step in my own development. Along with many of them, I was to break my addictions that tied me down in stagnation and hampered my evolution.

Like most, many of my addictions are bound up in the context of personal relationships with other humans. Our social selfs crave contact with our fellow beings. I went back into this blogs archives and was reading my first posts and one of the first was about my being confronted by what I now regard as a Shadow Tulpa creation. Sometimes our expectations take form and we have to deal with them in our lives. When I finally realized what I had created, it was a task to face the 'daemon' and reabsorb it's energy back into my life. That is what I am doing now, and it is the hardest thing I think I have ever had to do

The Universe that we live in is more wonderful and magickal than most ever wish to admit. We limit ourselves daily as we go about our lives so that we can conform to the societies in which we are born or live. Most of us have our 'World Views' shaped as children, and rarely escape the prisons that are placed around our minds when we reach adulthood. The shackles that bind us into 'realities' which constrict our freedom of movement in the Universe of Being are multitude and Legion. Most of us do not wish to leave the confines of the corrals that we build up with 'morals' that are considered normal outlooks on reality. We kid ourselves when we deny that we will act differently if placed in a position of power or servitude to authority, most will fail miserably at being 'humane'. The reason in my opinion is that we don't know ourselves thus we allow 'created' identities to rule us in times of war, pressure and even day to day lives. Our folly is that as Humans, we do not know ourselves.

Here in America we are armed with many ingrained sets of identification that we are able to switch on and off like changing wardrobes. Many of these 'masks' are created by our Expectations. We have our work face, our church face, our love face and the face we wear when driving in backed up traffic and we're late for work. Each of these 'faces' seems to be the same when looking in the mirror but is decidedly different in reality. A change of 'personality' or more? Expectation Makeup?
Being that in todays world most here in America are strung out on acquiring 'things' and trying to become 'successful' we have limited our selves into a corner that holds us willingly captive. We may say that one thing is what is important to our life, but we live as if other less than rewarding things are the important things of this existence

As much as I pretend to want to be a Hermit, I know that I am a social being who needs contact with others. The problem for me is in close relationships, I am too analytical and demanding of working through emotions to just allow things most of the time. With the past few months of working through trying to have 'something' with Michael, it has become very apparent that much of the blame can be placed in my hands for being so keen on having a 'healthy' relationship. I basically kill the 'beast' before it has a chance at survival on it's own. I found I really did Cook the Rabbit at Easter and didn't even know I was doing so!

My Blue Moon Ritual brought Two more men into my life,,, like that was what I needed!! So, I did nothing with them and sent them on their way. The attention was nice, but my heart just pined away for Michael whom has become very absent in my life. Then he called,, 'just to say hello' and again I was thrown in a tailspin looking for more reasons than just a simple phone call for him to keep contact with me. Somewhere I sense he does feel something more, then he steps back and throws up more walls. I am exasperated at trying to figure it out, and finally am taking Daniels and my own advice and now have NO EXPECTATIONS as to any outcome anymore.

Destroying expectations is painful, because we thrive on them in our lives. In Love, to expect is to doom yourself to disappointment, so hopefully I have grasped this kernel of wisdom and will be able to cling less to my expectations.

Michael called twice last week, which meant something to me, and I got to say somethings that have been boiling in my mind. His answers hurt and at the same time soothed me, I somehow now am at a pivotal point of realization. I created this 'Love' situation out of my needs and expectations, he being the genuine person he is, really didn't want to hurt me with rejection and did his best to ease my fall. And did it without all the gyrations of thought I went through and was honest. I admire that more than anything.
But then, he admitted he missed me, and that he knew by calling what it would do to me. My head spun and almost twisted off my shoulders. When he said the 'Friend' word, and that 'eventually' he wanted to see me again, it was sealed. My expectations died a slow painful death. So today I bury them with no ceremony or sympathy. May they rest in peace and not return to haunt me anymore. I still am not sure about anything with Michael, but at least now I have NO EXPECTATIONS.