THE SONG

I am a hopeless Romantic, and last night, feeling sorta sorry
for myself (you know,,this time of the year and being alone) I
took my last ten bucks,a shower,put on some tight fitting
Cavareche jeans ( I KNOW ) a nice white shirt and grabbed a
leather jacket to head OUT.  But first I went through my
big collection of Mariah Carey and pulled out her Christmas
CD and sang along to the saddest of all her Christmas songs,
one she wrote herself.I sat on the bed, and sang along,,
thinking of Giovanni
of course,, wondering what he was doing in Rome. If he was with
someone now, or like me alone( I doubted he would be alone)
So many things in this house still scream out his name
on a daily basis, but lately I have done so well. It felt
very much like I was backsliding on all of my progress to sit
and cry about him again.But I wanted to hear that song because
it makes me think of him and all the Romance, and I was
really missing him alot for some reason yesterday.
The day before I pulled out a box that we had
shipped back to Italy for his family the one Christmas we
had together.
The box were small Christmassy things he bought for his sister
and mother, Santa Placemats,candy canes,Christmas Tree candles,
small things bought with what little money we (I) had at the
time.The package went to Italy, stayed there until the following
spring and then returned to America stamped UNDELIVERABLE.
The address was correct, small town, Italian Postal service sucks,
but by then Giovanni was gone, returned to Italy and I put the
box in the garage.I found it cleaning up this past month.
Opened it and put the items out as my only decorations for this
year,,, at least I do have something
Christmas like out,,I wasn't going to put anything up.
Somehow I am still attached to the Romantic side of Christmas,,,
even though I thought I was OVER IT,, it all flooded back in a
moment looking at damned candy canes!!
But I am pushing on,, andgot ready,, sang my Mariah song.
Gave the dogs a bone and went out to sing Kareoke at the
WOODSHED,,
My favorite redneck queer bar. My two friends that may move
in work there, Shawn does the Kareoke and is a great
entertainer/singer. He just got a small part in a Cannes
 Independent movie!!
Eric looked good and they had prepared the food the bar always
feeds everyone on Sunday's FREE!!
I wasn't hungry, I just wanted a drink,, and my ten bucks
would buy 3 Gayronas that night. One for each song I planned
to sing.
Well things always have a way of working out differently,,,
I evidently looked damn good,,
cause I had a number of men touching, offering to buy drinks,
hug me..which for wallflower me is unusual. Henry, this
BIG linebacker size black man,,,extremely beautiful looking
took to telling me I was a tease,, and I needed him to hold
me and snuggle with that night.
Tempting but,,,
I would be going home alone I told him.  He didn't believe
me, thought I was brushing him off. Really wasn't, just in
a mood. Then this really cute guy that I actually approached
before shows up,,I always thought since I tried to small talk
with him that he thought I was a nerd or something,
so was surprised he talked, and actually hugged me goodbye
when he left.??
Then Robbie and Mitch come in,, Robbie is like an absolute
gay mans wet dream come true, beautiful, smart and talented,
makes lots of good money,,and he can sing
better than most professional singers. We actually have known
each other for a LONG time, but not seeing each other for years,
hadn't spoken.
He comes up, and asks: "I know you, don't I?" and I said
"Yes, Robbie how are you doing?"
he was shocked I remembered but how could one forget someone
 like him,,,,
I never had, I always had a BIG CRUSH on him,
so Mitch his boyfriend now of two years comes up, we all talk
and proceed to have a great evening, singing ,,dancing and
everyone at the bar knows each other so
it was really festive then I find out, they have an
Open Relationship,
(which is a nice way to say they 'trick' with
other guys together....)

I proceed to tell them FROM EXPERIENCE (first lover)
how that NEVER works.
Robbie by then knows I am very interested in him,
 as I have been for what almost TWENTY YEARS, we met when
 he was 18, me 25. Mitch was getting a bit tipsy.
The night was very hot!! But crazy me is a hopeless romantic.
 (at this queer bar??) Robbie told Mitch that I was
an OLD FASHIONED ROMANTIC, and said it looking at me in a
 way that left me wondering if he liked that about me??
 After Kareoke,
the Jutebox played, and I bummed a dollar from my friend
Jerry to play a song. Robbie was talking to Eric, I walked
 up and listened in and was admiring Mr. Robbie.
He catches me and smiles really big, and asks me
 'What do you want?'
Eric went back to work, I looked for Mitch, Robbie knew
what I wanted,,,,
but I could not go home with both of them,,, I said nothing,
just looked at him.
I would be toooooo emotionally involved with only
 one person:ROBBIE.
So best I go home alone,, as I normally do,,,
 wasn't a Man Whore night.

So I told him I played a song for him, a Josh Groban song,
YOU LIFT ME UP!
that I wanted him to sing for me. He had lifted my
spirits by coming up and talking to me, and being so
affectionate as it was... and so nice,,
When the song came on, Robbie comes over to me,
hugs me tight and sings into my ear so softly and sweetly,
, slowly pulling me tight to him,, and that made me just
 want to MELT. I pretended he (or anyone at that moment)
'loved' me while he sang it, as he held me tight,
 It was very very nice.
I hugged him so tight I cracked his back,,which he enjoyed.
The bar was closing, and Mitch returns to take his man home,,
we exchange 'cards'under the agreement that they
would call me to Pet Sit their doggies when they go
for New Years on a trip.
I whispered to Robbie that if he was my husband I would not
allow any one else to get as close as I had that night.
They both wanted me to leave with them, but I told them to
 call me,
maybe some other day,,,, like when they were seperated!!
(that's mean I know)
Jerry and I stayed drinking cokes for two hours talking
about not fitting in with homosexuals and the gay scene.
 We still have not figured it all out..... don't expect
 to anymore. Jerry is sweet,
was married for 18 years to a woman who cheated on him
for eleven years with his best friend, (maybe not so bright!)
 he just came out two years ago.
Not once during those 18 years did he cheat.
I looked at him,,, not normally what I would call my 'type',,,
and thought,,damn
this is my type,, someone sweet, nice looking, faithful
and honest to the bone. I hugged him, told him to call me
for coffee or dinner. Maybe he will,,,
I got home and played my song again by Mariah,,,

SO TONIGHT I am blogging and the first blog
I went to was Dimitri Alexander's ***
BLOG: CAFE DA! 
and what was playing........ but....
 MISS YOU MOST AT CHRISTMAS TIME!
My head spun and wanted to explode.
You will have to visit his sight to listen to it, as
I have yet to figure out how to make music here!!
lol. But here are the words.

MERRY CHRISTMAS
and HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO
ALL THE HOPELESS ROMANTICS

The fire is burning
The room's all aglow
Outside the December wind blows
Away in the distance
The carolers sing in the snow
Everybody's laughing
The world is celebrating
And everyone's so happy
Except for me tonight
Because...

[Chorus:]
I miss you
Most at Christmas time
And I can't get you
Get you off my mind
Every other season comes along
And I'm all right
But then I miss you
Most at Christmas time

I gaze out the window
This cold winters' night
At all of the twinkling lights
Alone in the darkness
Remembering when you were mine
Everybody's smiling
The whole world is rejoicing
And everyone's embracing
Except for you and I
Baby...

[Chorus]

In the springtime
Those memories start to fade
With the April rain
Through the summer days
Till Autumn's leaves are gone
I get by without you
Till the snow begins to fall
And then...

[Chorus]


*** Thanks Dimitri!
Doubt I would have wrote this if you had not had the song up.