THE GOLDEN CHILD

I reread my most recent posts, and can see that I am talking about things that verge on madness in some peoples opinions. The ability to change the universe and being affected by magnetic waves from the sun and such aren't exactly table talk as normal. Most of these beliefs I have developed for my own 'magickal' practise and wasn't meant for public consumption, yet of late I have been out of sorts and my blog turned into a peek-a boo of my 'world'. My state of mind has been very negative for about a year and 1/2, which equals the time that Giovanni has been gone more or less. Rachael, you were so right when you said that he has fried my brains, and did a number on me,, I have allowed it. It has wrecked my life totally. I rebuke that model of my life and wish to transform it into something more beneficial to my soul.
Our perceptions of ourselves are fragile things for the most part, and that perception is molded not only by our own thoughts but how others view and feed our egos at the same time. When I was with Giovanni, right after we had met in Rome, I was on top of the world. Love will do that to you, carry you up and up to some higher realm and your Beloved can paint upon your canvass/soul any picture that you allow them to paint. I knew that Giovanni was painting a dreamscape that was illusional and usually reserved for sappy romantic films, but I didn't care, it felt way to good. Not having the need to knock down this fairy tale love story, I built upon it and made my character the victim of love gone awry. Classical love story gone bad, circumstance requires the separation of the lovers,, and the angst that followed was to release the floodgates of past hurts and loves in such a way that would catipult my soul into oblivion.
Being that I was already on a spiritual journey unlike most, I naturally placed the scenario into a cosmic karmic story of souls engaged in finding their True Will.

Finding my True Will and what some would call 'purpose' in life has been a favorite pasttime to say the least. The search for my inner being has been the major theme of my life. I have always lingered on the fringe looking into the deep dark crevass of the Crack in my Cosmic Egg. So many unusual events have shaped an outlook that is far far removed from what would pass as 'normal' thought, and I have dared to face what Jungians call the 'Shadow' part of my being in a number of 'showdowns'. Hopefully it all has not been for nothing and I will rise above the din of crashing worldviews, that sink around me daily in the sea of my perceptions. This is what I get for jumping from one 'box' into another in such a nonstop intellectual frenzy of discovery about myself and the world around me. Finding the True Will is a very difficult process.

Ones perception of Reality can freeze, so that it looks as if that is the only view possible given the context of any situation. If one feels LOVE all around, they unfortunately are blinded just as bad as if they were in a HATE filled mindset of bigotry and prejudice. Some say there is a fine line between hate and love, I think that after my experience with Giovanni, I understand that better, it would be so easy to hate him for having abandoned me to my own devices. The gloss of love can paint anyone good, but '' sometimes love ain't enough''. The perception usually is what holds us in a matrix that we create out of reality. If we perceive it is one way, it usually at least flows that path for a small amount of time, before perceptions clash and consensus reality takes hold. Perceptions battle on the forefront of all idealogies and faiths, thus we are constantly surrounded by competing views wanting attention and the power our minds give them. Tulpa wars is what Bette and I call them, Worldviews that need to be fed.

So, recently I have been without a perception about myself, much less the world, and I have floundered and wallowed in the products of my past. When I had a corporate job, I percieved myself differently and was accorded much because of this self perception. I was an upwardly mobile professional. Bette used to call me the Golden boy. Today, after a year and 1/2 of my own downward spiral, I am an unemployed lump, walking through the wreckage of my life, kicking the pieces apart and wondering how the hell I got here,, this is not me. Somehow, I have been able to keep ''appearance'' so not many know the truth, being that so much of it is illusional, I am adept at making it appear much better than the reality I know it to be, but again that is perception on my part. Most think I have the life of Riley, a nice home in the suburbs, etc etc. Since these things have lost their allure to me, they are losing ground in my reality I create,, meaning I am letting it all slip away.
In July for my birthday I went to a Burning man event, and tried to 'reinvent' myself to some extent and regather my inner strength that had been evading me. I really did have some transforming experiences, and what I have found is that it is just quickening the destruction of my former self concept and with it much that I built up during the past number of years in a corporate world. Deconstruction is never fun.
The problem that I keep confronting is that I have the inability to return to the state of mind that was positively oriented. My perceptions have been clouded with failure and loss. I am not seeing the forest, for the trees. But, fortunately I know better, and have clung to this crazy notion that I can control the Universe much more than I have recently allowed myself to do. It is in me to be a positive force, not this negative slug that has taken over and become "scott". The sad but true fact is that I have had to conclude that I am alone responsible. I take the credit for my failures.( Step one.) I recognize that my mental gymnastics have put me into this very bad frame of reference that is doing me more harm than good. (Step two.) So, reaching ground Zero, I bounce back, as weakly as it is and as shakey as I seem to grasp it this time, I will bounce back. My perceptions are my reality and I perceive myself as a Survivor unable to be kept down for long periods of time. I know that I can be wonderfully magickal in my day to day outlook, and I reclaim that part of myself for any future self development. I demand of myself order and an outlook more in line with the magickal processes I know that are possible in my life.

I once had a dream where I was in what I call the "MALLWORLD" which is a lot like a University of the soul. People from all over the universe attend and take 'classes' on soul development. I attended this 'university' during my teenage years and early twenties, it was one of those recurring dream places that I could go to with LUCID regularity, and part of my Shamanic training to boot. The reason I call it the Mallworld is that it in someways resembles a big futuristic Mall with lots of steel/chrome and glass with green plants all about and Light shining in from above through stained glass looking windows. The classes are down different hallways and where the 'stores' would be if this was a 'real' mall. So once I was there and I was heading to a class starting to take the 'escalator' up a new level and he appeared. The Gold Faced Being. In a dark but glowing cape that flowed to the ground and physical features of a well built man of Herculein stature, He would appear in front of me for a brief second then disappear. This happened over and over as I tried to make my way to 'class' No one else could see him, or they paid no mind to the appearance and disappearance of this Giant Soul. I watched as he popped into existance and out near others as they walked by without a glance, he obviously was trying to get my attention,, and had it. Then he appeared right in front of me, blocking the way to the next level. For the first time, I saw his face and it's brilliance and composition told me that he was made of Gold. Alchemic visions of transformation to say the least. He stood up to his full height which seemed to take up more of the Mall World than possible and looked me directly in the eyes, pointing his finger at me he intoned, "YOU WILL HAVE THE POWER." This didn't hit me like I think my guides expected and I turned to him and with equal force stated, "I ALREADY AM THE POWER." and immediately woke up. This is what I call a BIG dream, meeting the Shadow self in transformative process. In alchemy the search for the philosophers stone is of utmost importance, turning lead into gold a secondary procedure that is like an afterthought to the whole process. I was taught recently that this is OK as long as we do not reverse the procedure to make Gold into lead.

This is what I have done, taking my gold and turning it into lead. Knowing my own self better than most, I think it funny that I allowed this to happen,, always thought it impossible, but it did. Alas, the Fall is so much more difficult than the Climb upwards. I jumped the gun so to speak in my own development and toyed with the power of Gnosis (Knowing) more than I should ,,way to soon for my own good. Luckily I have retained a sense of self that has balanced all of this into a workable model for future development and growth. I just know how much work has to be done to repair my own foundation. Alot.

The meeting of the GoldFaced being in the Big Dream let me see what was possible with a correct attitude. The POWER could be some distant force that 'one day' I would attain, or I could claim it immediately and proceed as if I had a say in the situation. I choose to always lay claim to my own 'Power', I refuse to let others diminish it's effectiveness, and never had until after Giovanni,, damn Trickster at my heels again,, poking holes in my well thought out plans. Yes, I realized later that the Goldfaced being was a Trickster also, holding a golden carrot out in front of me, hoping I would take the bait. I did. That is why I woke up immediately I think, deal done, signed up with the devil ,,,, who was/is Myself.

Now, since I know that I still have the "Power",, I must find the loophole that allows me to proceed with my Soul intact. My Mephistopheles, the Gold Faced Being, didn't count on me having read Goethe, nor understanding the principles that I took at face value for their goodness. I will come out on top, and with my Soul intact, I promise not to turn my Gold into Lead, anymore. I have reached resolutions with my Inner Golden Child, I accept my Power to Perceive My Reality as Ultimately Good and Whole.