My Life, in Charlotte Today

I realize that for the past few years I have floundered about like a fish out of water, and personally have attributed it to a very very long Mid Life Crisis. It evidently started when I was 36, and now that I am 43, I think that is enough time to 'Crisis'. yet even intellectually knowing this, I have had a very hard time dragging myself out and regaining some of the zest I used to have for life. My friend Frank says that I am 'weary' and that does seem to sum up alot.
I guess that once you reach a pinnicle, the only way left is down, and I have had that experience for the last few years. Before, when I was on top of the world, I was the Creator of my Universe, energetically creating and making a positive impact on this planet,,,, so I thought. I had the job everyone would kill for, a very nice home with pets, a partner and best friend whom I shared it all with and the freedom to travel the world at least once a year to some exotic place I had always wanted to visit.
The pain came when I realized that my partner didn't share my desire to search the depths of existance via my spiritual practise, nor was he even able to converse like a human with me on the simplest of levels,, I realized that would not change, so I opted out of the relationship. Sadly we had bought a home together,,, even without the right to marry as gay humans,,, which later proved to be a blessing. I wanted someone creative and inventive in mind body and soul and SN just wasn't able to do this for us,,, but once we split as a 'couple' we still had to live together for almost 3 whole years before he finally moved out. This was an extremely difficult time as he went apeshit after we broke up and proceeded to put me into tens of thousands of dollars worth of debt and didn't pay for his share of the collective bills properly. It really got nasty after about the 2nd year of this, and me being the stubborn one I am would not give the house up as it represented all I had worked for my whole life. I was consciously making changes in my life trying to move forward but SN kept pulling strings and pushing all the wrong buttons that totally put me in the most negative atmosphere of living that I had ever experienced.
When I met Giovanni in Rome, the world seemed brighter but still full of way too many rules and regualtions that made it difficult to enjoy. He came over from Italy exactly one month after we had met, and SN was still living in the house at the time,,, which really put a big damper on things. But we tried. I had told SN that before when I had met someone he had made it difficult for me to have a relationship,, (Even though I was HAPPY when He found someone) I guess due to the fact that he still had feelings for me, and I just wanted to be friends. So, Gio Gio (One of Giovanni's nicknames, pronouced like Joe joe) came to America and I was more happy than I have ever been in my whole life. My mother, who never liked any of the men in my life, LOVES Giovanni like her own son, so that tripled the effect of his love on me. When his 90 day stay was up and he had to return to Italy, we made plans.
Plans are to be ruined,,, don't make them anymore.
Anyway to shorten this post I will wrap up and give more detail later, but needless to say, but I am ALONE now. Giovanni came back after a breakup of Nine months and we tried again.
SN finally moved out in 2003/or was it 2002? Then again, in 2003 the year that Spec my 20year old cat died and Giovanni went back again to Italy three days later,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, that was a sucky week. And One last time, late 2003 he returned and stayed until last year when he returned to Rome in May.
I lost the Job everyone would kill for one month later in June 2004
Need i say, we tried? Well, I am not sure, today it all seems a dream. I know that I held back because he hurt me really bad the first year and I didn't forgive him evidently. I do now, but looks to be too late.
I have not regained my momentum since last spring. Losing the job,, even though I know it was time to have moved on from that particular job,, it was a big blow ......... finacially I am ruined and have clung to the house like a ragdoll, paying a mortgage that originally three people paid on (SN, my best friend Rick was a roomate when I bought the house) and becoming a Hermit in the process.
Now, tired and lonely I realize that all I have are my 'kids' (2 cats, 2 dogs, 1 lizard, 1 fish) and the fun has been totally raped and pillaged from my existance. Now I am trying to regain my control, over my dispair and angst,,, because I do know that I create my own universe,, so If I created this, then I need to clean up my act to have it any better... So pushing on!!