It is about 4:00am, and my head is swimming with way too many 'big' thoughts. This blogging thing is strange as I have only been doing it for a short while, but realize that it is my own little world of therapy since I cannot afford a true shrink,,,,, like they would be able to handle me anyway. I always wanted to visit one, but doubt that I could find one that could handle all of my far out thoughts without commiting me. I know I am crazy,, it is the rest of the world that thinks it is sane that scares the b'Jesus out of me. The patients are running the asylum on this planet and no one seems to care. Most are wrapped up in themselves so tightly that they do not experience any one else as human anymore.
Giovanni called from Italy and it broke me down really bad. I have never loved anyone so deeply, and me being the anylst in training (on myself) see that there are way too many issues at hand to ever feel finished with our situation. I like closure and knowledge of the finality of events, but with Gio, I never will have it I am afraid. All I can do is hope that he is somehow happy and that one day I will have some measure of happiness back in my life.. I haven't been happy since he went back to Italy and sorta feel that alot of the mess I am in is because I can't deal with his absence. I have made myself a hermit in this crappy little city and have to force myself to go out. When I do try and be social, it usually makes for a lesson in shallowness and frivolity that I see in people.. No one is serious about anything it seems, just shallow and down right obnoxious for the most part. Humans want to be loved so badly, but push Love away when it presents itself,, just like I did to Gio. And the sad thing is that I knew that I was doing the worst thing possible, I was cutting myself away from Love.
Now that I love myself more, I am afraid that I will not ever experience the kind of love I had again. Next week I will be 43 and it is not like there are people beating my door down to be in my presence. So, I learn to love myself. It is all I have, besides my puppies and cats.
If I continue to blog, I will most likely delete this crap.. right now, I don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to disappear into the woods, no one around but my animals and a LOT of Trees,,, but where to hell can you find such a wilderness!! Only in the soul, it seems.
1 comment:
Now, wait just a goddamn minute Mister! You just pepped talked my ass off, threatening to come into the spirit world, if necessary, to kick my negative-thinking ass... then I come and read that you're in the same boat as me... or at least the same river! LMAO!!!
I'm like you. I think that stuff you were saying about the bond you felt when you first read me, may be pretty close to the mark.
You can come to my blog, feel what I'm saying, and feel empathy, but yet enough wisdom that allows you to offer details of your story and advice... a pep talk at the very least. Your words were fucking beautiful.
I read your blog, like wtf man, same river, but different boat! And now I feel suddenly qualified to step out of my “shit” and offer my wisdom to you.
A shrink can help… so can good friends. That’s what blogging can buy you… free therapy (although it can be time-consuming)!
You get lots of suggestions, and you have your pick of the litter, or you can dismiss it all! We’ll never know! … but we’ll keep trying to help whenever we read you’re not feeling so well.
Your feelings of Gio remind me of a guy I had invested a lot in. He suddenly told me that he felt the only way to “snap out of it” was to return home… far from me. I was heartbroken. I thought my love should be enough. I called his move a geographical cure – and scoffed at his logic.
I lost that one. I tried to employ the “if you love it, set it free…” stuff. But it didn’t help me feel much better. It just made me feel more rejected with each passing day that he didn’t jump on a plane and return.
Nothing helped except time. And when I thought I couldn’t stand it any longer… a man came along and washed it all away with a single glance. It was my soul mate who glanced at me… and all it took, was a look… to help me wish that past love well, and hope he wished the same for me…
If this sounds stupid, ignore it – it’s fucking almost 5 in morning, and I’m drunk!
Post a Comment