The Feeling.

This weekend, here at the homestead has been interesting. One of my witch friends Kimberly came over with her new beau from Costa Rica,, which obviously produces some fine specimen of the male gender.. Gotta go there sometime in the future. He speaks no English and Kim no Spanish and they are blissfully unbothered using only the language of love to communicate. Not enough for me now a days, having two of my ex's who did not speak English when I met them, one Latino, one Italian... so I was fortunate enough to have had plans for my new friend Conny to come over, she was going to cook me lunch,,, aren't I lucky!!!! It was killer food....... yum!!! All fresh and zesty.... Anyway, Conny is from Mexico and did the translation thing so Kim could better understand a few things about the new beau..(my Spanish gets confused with Italian). Both of them are still tied to 'ex's'' and Kim is an urban professional and Minor was a farm hand from Costa Rica now an illegal alien painting houses. She is in heaven,, except for the 'minor' details of the old husband,, which I took her to task for not ending earlier,, leading him on and such.
Last night I decided to go out for once and hit the town, but wanted to drink so I made Kim drive and drop me off at the local homobar, which is a leather mens bar. I wanted to see 'real' gay men and not be around dragqueens and twinkies, but didn't really want to be with aging leathermen who should know better (they are queer) ... to allow oneself to show beerguts of such huge size and proportion... I guess some may like that,, que sera sera??
I am not a bad looking guy, I think??? But as normal when I attend any grouping of homosexuals I seemed to be out of place even within my own 'community' and no one seemed the least bit interested in looking at me, much less talking to me. Normal night on the town for me... This is not good for an already bashed sense of self, but I persevered and drank another beer. I Wanted to dance but not alone,, I've done before, but last night was not in that frame of mind, so I watched and looked for a friendly (I said friendly , not Lecherous!!) face,, sadly none were found. I Walked out onto the deck area and smoked a cig as I watched some of the guys enter the leather shop, a few were cute, but nothing that even remotely interesting to me, hell I just wanted to talk to someone. As I stood there a nice looking guy came up and stood nearby,, hmmm interesting, Finally,and for the first time in a long while, I MEAN A LONG WHILE,,, I break my own rule newly instituted rule about not approaching first, and speak to him. I introduce myself and he tells me his name is Eric,, then excuses himself politely but very quickly. ??????
Now, I have not posted my history as of yet,, I will someday, but right now, after the year even, I am still in recovery mode from my last relationship, which was with Giovanni from Italy. And being a Buddhist Pagan, I try to be as non-attached as possible. I now recognize the Karmic binds. But still I am only human looking for a friendly face, a smile,,,,some comfort/hell maybe just some fun,, with another fellow human being(preferably male) so I stood there and smoked another cig while wondering what it was about me that seemed to make men flee.( Besides the smoking, NonSmokers, I know.) I must exude neediness or something,, B.O. ?? I used the logic, that I have been trying to foster in myself, No B.O. and the neediness,,, maybe I will admit I am at this moment, but damn I don't think it is freakstyle or anything that would cause men to flee. So the night rolls on, one freak takes me off guard and kisses me as he walks by and his lover yanks him along in fast jerks on his shirt as I wipe my mouth off, damn idiot with bad drunk breathe. I stroll back inside hoping the whole night will not be a waste,,, ,,,and its not like I was really looking to hook up , even though that would have been nice, I just wanted to dance, maybe meet a new friend since I don't really have many gay friends. Hell just having a conversation would be nice...
Last Call!!, well might as well since I will have to call Kimberly to come and fetch me home cause I would be damned to pay 30 bucks for a cab to take me practically around the corner. (Charlotte sucks for cabs if anyone from outta state reads this be prepared, rent a car)
Then, there he was...... standing almost beside me talking to two guys, one short& sorta nerdy, but very nice and another hefty and quiet like.
It was that feeling.
THE FEELING
( NOTICE:This is going to be a long post) The feeling I am talking about is a recurrent theme in my life, it happened with them all(except Scott#2, (sorry Scotty, but know you will never read this) These are the men: Joe, lasted 9 years, Scott#1, 6 years, Scott#2, going on 7 years, Ignacio, One month lovers, yet still the best of friends, Giovanni, we tried for close to three years. I am a long term type and Not naming all the one night stands or indescretions now, thats for later posts. Anyway the feeling came up with all these men,
the first day that I saw/met them.
I don't need to be to descriptive of the feeling cause I am sure most of you have a concept of it, the difference for me is the psychic side of things. Being psychically endowed is nothing at all to brag about like say I was PHYSICALLY endowed. It is not all it is cracked up to be as on the TV like that Buffy show everyone but me watches ,,, or the movies. So, when the feeling arises,, one part is physical being in the body, (i.e. sometimes with a hard appendage). the other comes like a moviescreen with visions of people not even there, possible reincarnation scenes, accompanied with colors and floodings of words, sounds, whispers of information to grasp,, (one of the reasons I am Buddhist is to learn not to grasp..... because most of this life, you do not want to hold onto) So it is like a Karmic machine of somesorts that has allowed me access to see some of the details and implications of interacting with certain human beings. i.e. This beautiful man standing in front of me. The scenes flash in my minds eye and I quickly try to tell if this is future or past events. His eyes greet me through this lifetime? or Another?? The smile. and me.... I am petrified. Speechless, which is odd too as I can talk a flagpole to death. The Feeling creeps up my spine and pulls my soul aside for a moment.
I have not seen this man all night, and I saw every fag in that bar, one too closely,,, remember?
I never saw him,,, was he hidden behind a big burly bearman with a beergut every time I had to have walked by him, I guess?
That damn feeling hit me like all the times before but this time I was blown away in scale because it felt magnified by my awareness of its Karmic signifigance. Soul Knowledge is a big weight,,, I was almost sickened by it. My stomach lurched and twisted in my body, my soul remembered,, and questioned meeting this soul (again?)
... I thought, no way!,, to even hope to get to meet him, would appear like I was looking for hook up as the bar closes,, you know that song!! So, I told myself that I would at least ask him his name as he walked out the door, imagining myself in that situation and not really liking the thoughts of it, I change my mind and decide to leave.
I slowly finished the last of my beer looking at him while trying to control all the lightyear speed thoughts and my Karmic vision in the forefront. He evidently saw I was looking and freaked me out by asking me my name. The feeling went into total overdrive and I wondered was it to surpass what the feeling was like with Giovanni?? Strangely I think it did,, ten fold.
It rumbled, and coursed through me like a bull in a china shop and somehow I managed to control myself and hopefully spoke somewhat coherently enough??? Still not sure on that? But controling the urge to scream,,, "hey I know you from another life,,,, remember me"???"

Of course the night was over, he had come home to the area for a family reunion and was tired of Charlotte with his short visit ended and he now was ready to return to Orlando Sunday afternoon around 2:00. I knew that we would be leaving separately which was oddly OK, like I knew I would see him again,,, or had already lived a life with him,,,
,,,,,,,,,,,, so I reluctantly called Kim to get me.
He had grown up in WV not far from where my mothers family is and we talked about that and I most likely said too much about being pagan and most likely appearing a freak? So at his rental car,
I just stared at him, letting it sink in that it most likely would be the only time in my whole life I would ever see him. It was depressing but I have learned alot lately. So I enjoyed his presence while I could. Those minutes will forever form who I become in the future. We didn't fondle or anything , sorta chit chated, I listened as he told me alittle about himself, this was very nice, I wanted it to last days, weeks, another lifetime. His smile was so enchanting and the beautiful teeth made me self conscious of my dental flaws, but god they were so beautiful, and that smile, ,,, mixed with his laugh was like a magical potion for me and I felt better than I have in a very long time it seems. Wishing that good feeling would last longer. This could not be the end,,, not when I had THE FEELING!! It didn't work that way,, every other time,, I knew that I would be with that person to finish karma,, or our lives together?? This was my soul's evolution,, to finish the Karma of my past lifetimes,, To weed out the false 'loves' and finally meet my souls long lost partner. How could it be someone I would only know for a brief few minutes,,, half hour at best??? But I remembered Times quandry with souls,, Karmic restitution could be made in less than a minute and I was experiencing a Pinnicle Event of a Magnitude that flustered even a seasoned transformer of soul like myself.
And then to break the magickal moment,, Kim , with beau drove up looking none the happier for having to wake up at 2:30 to come and get me, my last seconds with Troy Foster(real name?). I held a finger up to the window of Kims car, to ask for a minute.
Then I looked long and hard at him one last time. I wanted to remember him like no other person I had ever met. I had to have a kiss which I asked permission for and we ever so lightly touched lips. I gave him my card, one for the Citizens of Planet Earth Academy, and told him, (knowing it would not happen), to call me if he had time for a coffee before his flight. I get in the car{{ My guts turn, my heart aches, my soul???}}}
and Kim quickly pulls off, and for once in my life, I didn't look back. I did not look back.

I really tried to collect myself, and Kim asks why he could not have brought me home. I said, I wished. Then didn't feel like talking anymore,, I was stunned by how my Karmic ties finds and attracts such souls to me. Hell I would have been happy with just a few more minutes with him. Sex wasn't on my mind, I wanted to KNOW him again like in the former life. He had no clue of course, I was No One to him?
We circled around and Troy pulled out in front of us in his rental car going towards the interstate. I thought then,,,, how strange life is,,,,, lives connecting and separating like some science chemistry experiment. The serendipity to connect and If Kimberly had not wanted a soda, I might have got another glimpse of him, but that did not happen. Instead, we pulled into a store and got to see some drunk Latino puking his guts out right in front of the store,, nice ending to the night. Thats what I felt like doing. My soul flipped and flopped, visions of a life lived,, or one desired for my future sprang in front of my eyes. I fought back way too many emotions for such a singular meeting.,,,,, even for me, whom has always fell in love at first sight.
When we got home I really thought I was going to puke, the Karmic Vision thingy had not really stopped and I was definitely in psychic overload and needed to ground somehow.
Kimberly had sorta pissed me off by saying that I was too damn picky about men and it was no wonder I was alone. She then went off on me for my need to have Karmic connections to all the men in my life. She said, I was having no fun, all my men have to be beautiful and it didn't sit well the way she said it, even if it is true.
I tried to blog, could not. I tried to watch tv, which I never do,,,, nothing on at 4:00am with the $9:00 cable I get.
Since Kim was sleeping in my bed, I got a blanket and pillow and curled up on the couch and with my fried brains I tried to sleep.
His eyes haunted me.
I really should have got drunk. Really drunk.
I am going to end this post since it is so damn long and finish up in another. But needless to say, I didn' t sleep well at all.
All said and done, I again fell in love at first sight. Its a sick thing to have happen to someone.
It is a memory of past lives most of the time, the soul connecting to another familiar soul. It is sick because of the impact it always has on one,, and I was fighting it tooth and nail knowing I would very doubtfully ever see this person again. (Unless??...???)
Sounding sort of negative there, but really I am not being,,, I am signing off for this post with a word to 'Troy' Next time I see you, I will let you know what you mean to me. I know you won't understand, but You fixed a hole in my soul. Sure it will freak you out...... but promise I am not a freak,,, just way to fucking psychic for my own good... Also,, I would tell him that there is a song I heard tonight that obviously meant alot about our connection. Too bad I don't remember it,,,, it was beautiful,, like him.
Hope to meet again,, this life if possible............... but I am patient now, so I could wait.